Might want to grab a coffee, kids, this is going to be a long one.

I often wonder why the hell I write these. I think I've realized it's a release, because goodness knows I need one. I have all these thoughts and feelings going around in my head and I just need to get them out somehow. And it's much better than monologuing my woes to a friend in the middle of a lesson, I guess. Or writing them all down in a Word Document. Because that's just fucking stupid.

Last Summer was the best Summer of my life. By far. Even when I used to more confident and out going, I never went out socialising very much. It's an aspect of life I've missed out on greatly, I don't know what it is. Maybe it was me. Maybe it was them. Maybe it was bad timing. Maybe it was a combination of all three. Whatever it was, I never had a really close group of friends who I could hang out, I was always on the out skirts of any sort of group.

And then it changed. I met new people. And I would hang out with them, almost every day. I grew so close to them over such a short period of time. They understand me more than most people do. I did so much during Summer. So much. I threw a house party. Two, in fact. I went to Esquires, a music venue. I went to a camp-out in a small wood which was FREEZING AS HELL. And then even when I wasn't doing anything, just... hanging out... happiest time of my life.

And then now I'm back at school. It's different, in a way. Better. I know people now and I'm happier in general. I have some really close, awesome friends. But then... I miss them. I miss all the friends I made during the Summer. A few of them go to my school but... not all of them... And it's only been a few days since I last saw them and I miss them so much it... it kinda hurts. A load of them go to the same school as one another and... I'm scared I'll be forgotten.

As I lay at home one day after school, I saw one of them post on Facebook that they were all hanging around one of their houses. And it was slightly like a knife in the heart. I felt... I just wished I was with them... for goodness sake, this is so stupid isn't it >_<? I'm such a fag.

Or apparently not. Seeing as I have a girlfriend now. Which is the oddest thing in the world for me, seeing how my last relationship went. And I love her. Or at least, I think I do. But... Gawd. I like two other people too. Or I think two. I'm not sure. Fuck. It's so complicated. I wish that... I wish that I knew how they felt about me and that... I mean... fuck >_< I'm such a douche.

And I'm sick of making jokes about, well, me. Haha, pun. >_< God dammit. It isn't funny. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do. Everyone looks so FUCKING beautiful and perfect. And I'm this stupid fucking curly-haired freak with stupid teeth and shitty clothes and I just look WRONG. I don't know how else to put it >_<

And (Should stop doing that)... FURTHERMORE, my mother hates me. I think I know why. She got so upset when I lost weight, she would cry all the god damn time. And she thinks she has EVERYTHING sorted out the stupid bitch. She knows NOTHING. She is so angry all the FUCKING time. I didn't make her care! I wouldn't care if I died because I was too thin! That proves that I wanted it more than anyone else, right? It's messed up but I wouldn't.

Why can't she just leave me alone? It's HER fault. SHE is why I get depressed half the time, like I was earlier today. And... it felt like it did before. And I don't want to go back to that. I want it to go away.

Gaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh. Born to be a female dog, me.

ANYWAY. No drawings really. Only the odd sketch, nothing worth posting. And I'm FINALLY starting filming my film tomorrow. HOPEFULLY. I hope nothing goes wrong. I'll probably go kill myself if it does. Maybe once it's done, I can just put the whole thing behind me... And people can see and understand how I felt, how I feel...

Dim.

Oh, and Dissidia: Final Fantasy is the shit. Just sayin'.